Morning has broken

Morning has broken, like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for the springing fresh from the world

Sweet the rain’s new fall, sunlit from heaven
Like the first dewfall, on the first grass
Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden
Sprung in completeness where his feet pass

Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of the one light, Eden saw play
Praise with elation, praise every morning
God’s recreation of the new day

– Eleanor Farjeon

I want to be happy

I want to wake up in the morning with joyful anticipation for the new day.
I want to be happy, cheerful, gay and glad… I don’t want to be sad and depressed, dragging myself from day to day waiting for dead…
I want serenity, peace of mind… not this stress and expectations, anxiety to produce and be more and be different…
I want hope and dreams for tomorrow, goals to reach for, I want to want, desire and wish… I don’t want this apathy and indifference.
I want love, love towards me and others and everything in this world.
I want to remember I am loved by God, my husband, my family and my friends… and I want to love myself too.
I want to believe I am a good and kind person, nice person, someone worthy to love.

Long time no seen…

Somehow when one decides to do something, one does everything but
Perhaps it’s just me

I haven’t read much anything the last 2 years! I haven’t read anything from the lists, I think.
I don’t keep a reading journal
I haven’t been in the library for months, and I haven’t hidden one surprise in a library book. (Nor have I sent a message with a balloon or in a bottle either, or dropped any toys.)
I have a couple more fairytale books than in 2009, but I know no new fairytales.

I have been writing more than usually. Considering that I want to support myself with my writing, I have been successfully procrastinating and have managed to find at least a couple of obstacles in my head.
I did not write a book 2009 and I doubt I’ll write one 2010 either. I doubt I’ll finish NaNoWriMo this year either… Need to get practicing.
I haven’t translated one book.

I don’t have a writing journal, nor an art journal, nor a dream journal, nor a health journal.

I have a laptop

I have not been doing much art… I have finished three pictures though, and I am working on one as my OWOH giveaway… it SHOULD have been finished and posted already half a year ago. *blush* Well… I’m in pain, and everything is on hold, nevertheless… I’m not good with commitments.

I have managed to frame three (3) pieces of art since January 2009. I haven’t bought any new art.

I have been acceptably good with clicking for free.

I am still a horrible blog pal and blogger.

The website is “fixed”, as Yahoo! ended Geocities.

The mailbox is not empty.

I have not met an internet friend.

I have not written any letters to anyone.

I haven’t been celebrating holidays much, sending cards, making holiday decorations or decorated the house for holidays.

I have cleaned the apartment acceptably, but it’s back in black again. I have no energy or condition to do the dishes every day, and the laundry gets done every now and then – perhaps once a month.

I haven’t decluttered anything, haven’t given away things, haven’t thrown away much. I have managed to sell some bits and bobs.

I haven’t managed to decorate the house any more than how it was the last time.

I have been on one picnic and one tea party.

I did not celebrate my 40th “properly”. I celebrated it though.

I haven’t kept the economical plan.

I have given up the idea of ever learning to play LRP of any kind, D&D included, so no game nights.

I haven’t replace the plants.

I haven’t finished the 100 species challenge nor planted trees.

I don’t know how to make preserves, but I know how to bake Danish rye bread and how to make cheese, curd, yogurt and quark. I have Danish pastries to make, the daring bakers’ challenges to take and fruit carving to learn.

I don’t know how to trim the dog well, and I don’t have a trimming machine nor good scissors for the job. I just cut him as if he was a sheep, twice a year.
The dog hasn’t learned basic obedience nor tricks either.

I haven’t been chewing down my to-do craft list, but now I have a working sewing machine. I got me a new one, haven’t fixed the old one.
I haven’t finished SOS, 52 pairs nor Socktober. Socktober is in 1 1/2 months, so perhaps that…
I haven’t made handkerchiefs nor reusable pads.
I haven’t made me a corset either.
I haven’t designed my wardrobe, not for summer nor winter, autumn or spring.

I haven’t made a kite.

I haven’t learned any card tricks nor practiced my card reading. I haven’t done any readings to strangers.

I haven’t learned to do my make-up, nor do I have a tattoo.

I am getting suspicious about the world around trip… I am not sure I want to…

I haven’t fixed passports, and even out ID cards are expired…

I have been studying languages, even sign language.

I haven’t been practicing my short hand nor speed reading, nor memory techniques.

I didn’t go to the entrance tests for law school, but I hope we get my qualifications fixed so that I can apply to a law school here in Sweden.

I don’t think we’ll move from here anytime soon…

Haven’t taken photo booth photos, visited any exhibitions, galleries or museums… perhaps a couple. I haven’t been at a game nor a theater.

I haven’t practiced guitar nor accordion. I found an alto accordion

I haven’t been pampering myself.

I haven’t traced my family back 6 generations.

I haven’t taken a first aid/CPR course. I haven’t donated blood, nor have I lost any weight. I don’t exercise more, sleep well, I haven’t done anything to deal with the panic anxiety, social phobia, stress, overachieving, expectations, perfectionism nor codependency.

I am not living, just existing.

I have made a dorodango, though. It is easier than it looks, but demands more patience and discipline. I will make this again next year.
I am also able to use high-heel shoes. I haven’t tried running with them, though… I haven’t taken my shoes to a cobbler.
I have sang karaoke in public! (I haven’t given a speech in public though)

about Asperger’s, fibromyalgia and other such things

I have been diagnosed having social phobia, panic anxiety and mild depression.

I am undergoing testing for Asperger’s syndrome. I am convinced I have it. It all fits well.

I am convinced I have Fibromyalgia. I am trying to get a doctor to send me to pain clinic, due to, well, pain :-Z
My husband did the tender point test and I got 16/18… also, I did the new experimental test, and got WPI 9 and SS 6.

So I have pain and “fatigue, malaise, nausea”. The nasty symptoms that cannot be verified in any way…
I have headache, tummy ache, muscle ache, my arms hurt, my legs hurt, my back hurts, my neck hurts…
I have “toilet problems”.  My tummy aches, I’m bloated, I have heartburn… Food doesn’t taste good anymore, I salt my food more and more, and I have a huge desire for carbs and chocolate. I’m not hungry, but still I eat, and gain weight.
I can’t sleep properly. I think I might have sleep apnea as well. I feel tired all the time, wake up and don’t feel rest, I snore, have nightmares and night frights, have difficulties in falling in sleep, roll around in my bed and cannot stop obsessing about some old things that are totally irrelevant or irrational. I grind my teeth, so badly my teeth are slowly cracking.
I have restless legs and muscle twitches, especially in my arms and sides.
It feels as if I can’t breathe properly, and my nose runs all the time. (That’s called Rhinitis…) I wheeze. Sometimes I have chest pain.
I am getting cognitive symptoms, I forgot my door code today… and I start speaking and in the middle of the word it just vanishes. I don’t have a clue how to finish the word.
My legs refuse to carry me, my hands won’t squeeze to open the tap, tea jar, put on the stove so I could make myself tea… “Muscle weakness” it’s called, they say…
I’m stiff as a log in the morning. I stumble to the bathroom, walk like a penguin or as if I had wooden legs.

My fingers and legs feel numb and tingle. I itch. I notice I scratch my chin or arm or scalp.
My mouth is dry, my eyes are dry, I get nasty, painful ulcers in my mouth every now and then, and sometimes my ears ring. I have often horrible ear ache.
I get fever, just a little, just enough to feel sick.
My humor goes up and down. One minute I feel like crying, the next I’m so anxious I want to hang from the wall and just hiss, then I’m sad again. And then I feel fine, more than fine, I feel happy. All within 15 minutes.

I suspect I might have multiple chemical sensitivity syndrome as well. At least I have all the symptoms; runny nose, itchy eyes, often sore throat and scalp, nausea, diarrhea, abdominal cramping, aching muscles and joints, earache, fatigue, difficulty sleeping and breathing, migraines and headaches and difficulties concentrating, and when I’m stressed, I get really sensitive about all sense stimuli, like light, smells and sounds, and my skin gets really tender.
I suspect I might also have Costochondritis. My breast bone feels tender and sore, and I have often stabbing pain in my ribs, I say it feels as if my lungs got stuck between the ribs. My ribs are also very sore to touch, especially on the left side. I also have difficulties in taking deep breaths, because it hurts.
I have Dysmenorrhea and horrible PMS. Cramps, nausea, headache, diarrhea, moodyness… we call me “mens dragon”.

Then I read about Asperger’s… and it’s quite possible that I have also selective mutism. :-Z

And none of this is reason enough to get disability pension.

Another nice blog

Rochambeau

I love the movie “Groundhog Day” – to me its message is “You learn anything a day at a time, an hour a time, a minute a time – and a minute a time, you have all the time in the world…”
Might be that I don’t learn to play piano in one day, but it starts just as with Phil, one day, and another one day in the future I can play piano.
Might be that I don’t learn to play piano today, but if I start today, one tomorrow I know how to play piano.

“Is this how you spend eternity?”
We all have all the time in the world… is this how you spend it? Wasting time by doing nothing, just aimless surfing, watching television, perhaps doing something little every now and then.

I am good at compiling things. I should re-start my God book. It’s already 7th day of this new year.

337th day of 1001

What have I actually done of my 101 things?

I have got myself 5 new fairytale books.
I have written somethings
I have a laptop
I have managed to frame 3 pictures
Geocities “fixed” my website for me :->
The apartment is sort of cleaned… not decluttered.
I have learned to bake the Danish rye My husband had tears in his eyes
I have used only high-heeled shoes for a week, and it went well. I think I can say I can use them
I have lost 8 kgs – 1/5 of the goal

So – 1/3 of the time gone, a little less than 1/10 of the list done, and not even that properly! Oy vey!